Jasmine

Sun, 08 May 2005 17:31:50 GMT

Ive never believed to be the perfect person or eve close to it. Going into high school, i ended up hurting someone that i cared about a lot. I left him for another guy names leo, and by then i realized mah first mistake. But it didnt mean that i learned my lesson. Trying to be with this guy that i cared about so much and after chasing him for two moinths, i had gotten the hint that maybe he didnt wanna be with me. So i moved on with a guy names Danny Hernandez. I was with Danny for nine moinths, and at one point we broke up for a month. I had still had feelings for this guy that i cared about, and found out he had them for me too. He watched me be with someone else for 9 months--but it didnt matter to him. During that time that me and dan had been broken up, i was with the other guy-- showing mah feelings for him. HOwever, i left him again to be with danny, and that following summer danny moved away to PA. I found out he had cheated on me anyways. In mah sophmore year of highschool, i had started to date Jarvis again, and still this guy that i cared about waited for me. So, i eventually left Jarvis for This guy, but once agen i had messed up. Later in the middle of maj sophmore year, i met a guy names jamek, who i ended up falling for, and had once agen left this guy that i cared about for. Well, jamek had been the last straw, so i had to choose between two people. I had to choose who would make me happier. In the end, i ended up choosing the guy i spent almost two years of mah life with--Jon Aleman. Its hard to admit, but yes i did mess up, and yess i did walk all over you when i shouldnt of. Yes, at times i wished you woulda never waited for me but u did neways. To me, i thought that had meant sumtin. But mah past always had an affect on our relationship, because since i did mess up, you could never forgive me for it. My past has became my past-- and it will always remain there, and for some reason u always believed it would come bak. I probved mahself nd my love to you, but u said i only loved you out of guilt. I tried everything in mah power in the end for us to werk out by standing there in fron of you ,and forcing you to hold mah hand so u would never let go. I cryed for u nd broke down bcz of you, i didnt eat or even sleep, i couldnt even maintain mah life without you at one point. While you were out with ur friends, you didnt car what i had to sey but at nite... u would talking to me like if nothiung ever happened. I forgave u everytime u did yell at me nd everytime u did sey srry nd everytime u said u would change-- but u never did. You think i dont tell pple about mah past nd i di-- nd if they didnt know well they just read it now. I wake up every day knwoing that it wasnt me who let our relationship end like this. So yea-- i went nd found aother prom date but why did u tell me u didnt want to go with me? i always told u to be careful with ur werds but u didnt listen. And yea, at one point i did hook up with Jarvis... and yea if i would of found out that u did that it would hurt but u werent with me so what was i suppose to do? U wanted to be enemeies, adn therefore i didnt have to give about ur feelings, so y should i care that u care about me hooking up with Jarvis? No matter what ull always hold it against me, and youll never let it go along with the past that u throw in mah face. It was then when i realized that u would never let that go that WE couldnt be toegther nemore. Yea u did stop talking to melissa at one point, but u dont think it hurts to know that the love of mah life claimed that he liiked mah bet friend and told me a year later that it was a LIE? well it hurt, but i WAS WILLLING TO TRY to let that go, dn u never were willling to let MY PAST GO. I never sed u were a bad person, bcz u werent,. But now, u cant even look at urself and see how horrile uve became. Thats why... i dont want to be with you nemore, and thats why my love for yu now is dead. You turned into a monster, and dont even give a damn about what happens to me when yet i still care about you. I know i have the heart, bcz i do still love nd care about u, even tho that dat fades away now as well. Calling ema whore..slut..slob..bytch..wutchu think? it hurts me? no.. bcz u werent callin me those things when we were toegther. But i dont care, cuz im not going to let werds like that intimidate me. Im not scared of you, and i never will be.

Ive had my friends by mah side with me, and some of them know how to make me smile everyday. I have problems at home that i need to wrry about mopre then dealing with you. I know ill love agen one day, and i know ill be happy bcz i know i deserve it. I dont need you anymore because i finally leanred how to have pride for myself. I know in my heart already that i can be loved by someone that i matter to nd respected. This is my life nd i control it. Im not going to let u, ur werds, or actions interefere in that nemore. This will be that last journal entry i write, and there will be no way of u knowing what goes on in my life--only by asking others or oters telling you. Its time i take care of myself, and the issues that are more important, and you are the last thing on my list. I hope u find someone who can give u more then what i could of bcz i obviously didnt give u everythiung--all i did was make ur life miserable. I dont wish bad on you, all i hope is that u have a god future. I dont want to see you, hear from you ever again. I dont want ne fone calls and it doesnt matter bcz im disconnecting my cell phone after prom. Its not going to be possible to talk to me online. I just dont want nething to do with you or ur life anymore period. As for me, i know ill be ok...... i know that ill survive... i know that ill be happy agen bcz ive already started to be. Take care. Bye.

Jasmine Amaris Rodriguez

Simple PLan -- untitled

I open my eyes
I try to see but I’m blinded by the white light
I can’t remember how
I can’t remember why
I’m lying here tonight

And I can’t stand the pain
And I can’t make it go away
No I can’t stand the pain

How could this happen to me
I made my mistakes
I’ve got no where to run
The night goes on
As I’m fading away
I’m sick of this life
I just wanna scream
How could this happen to me

Everybody’s screaming
I try to make a sound but no one hears me
I’m slipping off the edge
I’m hanging by a thread
I wanna start this over again

So I try to hold onto a time when nothing mattered
And I can’t explain what happened
And I can’t erase the things that I’ve done
No I can’t

How could this happen to me
I made my mistakes
I’ve got no where to run
The night goes on
As I’m fading away
I’m sick of this life
I just wanna scream
How could this happen to me

I made my mistakes
I’ve got no where to run
The night goes on
As I’m fading away
I’m sick of this life
I just wanna scream
How could this happen to me

"..... but now i no longer have my past to haunt me... ive never been more relieved.... im free from all this".

Thu, 05 May 2005 01:51:03 GMT

j 0 n aleman: remember becareful wut u sey to me cuz u noe wut i noe yer history and i noe everything bout yu. REMEMBER U AINT NO INNOCENT ANGEL ... i noe more bout you then anyone rie now! and i got proof of it too so dont make yerself look bad..

j 0 n aleman: yer nothing jas

j 0 n aleman: im a king

j 0 n aleman: yu dont hav a personality

j 0 n aleman: u hate yer looks and u hate yer personality
j 0 n aleman: remember
j 0 n aleman: i noe u
j 0 n aleman: so dont deny enythin

j 0 n aleman: i dont need yer ass

j 0 n aleman: i noe alot of sheit bout u

j 0 n aleman: fresh nah its been used sweety remember u aint fresh

mah namE iz Jas: find the real niggah who has respect for me
j 0 n aleman: respect
j 0 n aleman: all dey gonna wan is yer ass

j 0 n aleman: juss like jamek n dan did
j 0 n aleman: juss like will
j 0 n aleman: juss like dan hernandez
mah namE iz Jas: AND LIKE YOU
j 0 n aleman: no i was the diff. one
j 0 n aleman: and u fukkin noe it bitch

j 0 n aleman: i dont giv a fuk if yu cry or breakdown
j 0 n aleman: i hope u do cry

j 0 n aleman: i noe imma always be greater den u

j 0 n aleman: NO YER A BITCH A LOSEr AND NO LIFE

j 0 n aleman: mah biggest mistake was in june of 8th grade to even meet yu

j 0 n aleman: yu were the biggest mistake in mah life

j 0 n aleman: sey it to mah face stupid bitch

j 0 n aleman: wen yu see mah next queen i wanna see u laugh too

j 0 n aleman: yu stupid bitch

j 0 n aleman: MAH BIGGEST MISTAKE WAS FALLIN IN LOVE WITH YOU

j 0 n aleman: W/E FUK U JAS

j 0 n aleman: YER NOTHING JAS
j 0 n aleman: SCREW U

...words of inspiration .....

I never thought you would become this person, i read these conversations and remind myself of what youve become. You sey this is my lost but i didnt break up with u, and you tell me u were different but ur really not. Unfortunately, you have become the worst of all of them. You even knew urself that your werds were able to break me and thats why you treated me the way u did. I was with you because i believed you loved me the most but now, i cant even look at you in the face without feeling shame that i was with you in the first place.

yu sit there nd tell me im not gonna find someone like you, but i find it to be impossible, and even if i did find someone like you why would i want them? After all, i dont wanna be with someone who disrespects me, treated me like garbage and takes control over me because if i did.... i would still be with you. You werent always a bad person, and at one point i did have everythin i wanted. But now, its gone nd its done nd for whatever reason im not meant to be with you. I dont want to be with you nemore, because i want to move on with my life and be with the person i should be with. Im 18 years old, i know im a beautiful person, i might of lost mah body but the only reason i ever did was from stressin with you. NO matter what it takes, im going to gain it bak but either way my body isnt the nost important thing. Ive gained better self-esteem about myself, and learned to appreciate me, nd i did that without you. We both know that i didnt mess up this time--nd if nething i was the one who stood there by you till the end. Yu sey you changed me nd now u can break me, but ill be damned if i let someone who thinks hes a king take over my life cuz nobody is gonna bring me down like that. I know eventually within time youll see that there is no way u can break me, no matter what you do or sey ........ cuz ur not my priority nemore. Hopefully you will nd i know u will find someone who can give u more then me bcz i obviously didnt give u everything. Life goes on

" I have buried you with all my memories and learned to move on as if nothing happened"

Goodnite

What its really about !

Tue, 03 May 2005 00:53:43 GMT

I have held in a lot during this whole week, with the dumb text messages, and the stupid fone calls and voice mails, but enuff is enuff! Ive let u slap me in the face over nd over nd over again, nd now its time for me to grab ur hand nd sey "THATS ENUFF!"....
Up until today, i was fuckin fine until i heard about ERICA GUZMAN.The same girl who you said u would NEVER date because she was ONLY 15 YEARS OLD AND SHE WAS UR BOYS SISTER. WELL, would u look at that? and im not going to lie, it hurt me it put a drop in my heart. it even made me cry here nd there, but enuff is enuff. Because now, i got one more thing that makes me stronger. I know none of this was mah fault, and i KNOW FOR A FACT this isnt my lost bcz i gave the best almost god damn 2 years of my life to you, and for you to take my heart and throw it on the floor.. NO! im not up for that nemore. I know that girl aint shyt compared to me. Ever since youve been gone my self-esteem got higher. I know im beautiful with a BODY AND A GREAT PERSONALITY. Ive learned to become open minded nd i became mature. But you, i dont need some guy who calls himself a FUCKING KING, WHO SWEARS HES THE SHYT, AND YET DOESNT EVEN KNOW HOW TO RESPECT THE ONE HE LOVES BECAUSE HES TO IMMATURE IN THE MIND TO UNDDERSTAND WHAT REAL LOVE IS. i want a guy who can love me and respect me the way i deserve to be respected, appreciate me and never stop showing me the affection i want, make love to me and kiss me with more compassion in it then nething else before! i dont need all the money, presents, or fucking jewelry to make me happy cuz i need a real GROWN man to stand by me. Life is a bytch, nd it always comes bak to you. Everyday i get more of a reason to be stronger and put a smile on mah face, This week off, ive had the best week being with my friends, talkin to mah boys, and chillen with my friends and edgar because i didnt have to think about SHYT. I plan to continue on living my life this way, and move on with someone that is willing to love me and NOT throw my heart on the floor. TO ALL MY FRIENDS WHO HELPED ME THROUGH THIS, melissa-youve been there holding me up telling me to get the strength, Shauna- pushing me into the right direction Franchy, making me laugh and going out, edgar, who had made me smile and laugh the most thru all this, and of course Jamek who i ONCE use to ignore and will no longer because he has been there for me thru this as well. Im glad we became friends again because now we both know that in the end, being friends is all that we can be, and i plan to make you one of my best. Everyone else, who wiped my tears over someone who wasnt even worth my time nemore thank you. Imma finish my year, imma go to prom, look ABSOLUTELY BEAUTIFUL THAT NITE dance with all my grls and guys, Graduate on that field and by then i know imma be ok because that is one promise i look foward too--TO BE OK IN THE END. imma be with someone who loves me, go to college, i have my car, my life, and the ones who care about me. Imma be something and make a difference. why? BECAUSE I AM A WOMEN WHO WALKS ON HER TWO FEET, AND DOESNT LET ANYTHING STOP HER. imma be someone--and i know i am because i already AM becomin someone. remember you can be with who ever you wanna be-- and the same stands for me. i am disconnecting my cell phone eventually, and making sure that i stey away from you. I guess whats meant to be in my life starts here ...............
"kings" arent SHYT when they CANT have CONTROL OVER EVERYONE. PEACE!

Mon, 02 May 2005 00:48:36 GMT

Didnt do much this weekend.. just hung around basically. Today, i went nd did mah nails, and i still have to blow dry mah hair..... clean mah room. do homewerk.ugh!

i started thinkin bw yesterday nd today about what i really want in mah life. I know my days have been much better, and i came to realzing that.. i am going to be ok. I have the rest of my senior year to finish, and will probably have an unbelieveable summer as well. Nd den i started thinking about what i want from a guy. Really its like this: I just want someone who will make me happy, and will always look at me the same way he did from the start. Someone who doesnt mind spending their time with me, and can laugh or joke around with me. I dont need him to take me out places, even though it wouldnt hurt ONCE in a while to go out to a dinner or something, or someone to spend money on me. Someone who can hold me and look at me like .. if i was the most gorgeous person they knew. I know in my life in not always gonna meet someone who will stey home for me, and will wanna go out without me. Just as long as they promise to give me no reason to believe that something will happen. Someone who will share and show me their interests. If they dance, they would show me to dance with them. If they played a sport, show me how to play. I know i may not be perfect, or i mite even do things that seem crazy, but in the end, you'll always remember me.

well im out

Jasmine

Sat, 30 Apr 2005 03:31:15 GMT

Thursday:

well.. thursday i aint do much for the most part. basically, just took melissa home, and then lata that afternoon picked up edgar, his brother, and two of his brothers friends from the park. His lil bro had baseball practice.. so yeah. came home, nd basically chilled the rest of the nite.

Today, i went to werk. it was AGRIVATING, and a very long day Ugh. Everybody was pissen me off, nd on top of that i was hot. lol so Yupperz.. afterwards chilled with edgar nd just got home a lil while ago. Prolli wont go to sleep until lata 2nite :-). 2mar, ill prolli chill with mah grlz, but first i need to get mah EYE BROWS done nd mah nails so i can look nice for the week we come bak to school :-D. Got me some new clothes, mah sneakers.. yuPperz. cant wait for that! newho. im out for now.. be bak manana. KISSES.

Jasmine

Thu, 28 Apr 2005 05:21:02 GMT

its actually 1:10 in the morning nd i just got home. I had suh a niceeeeeeeeeee day :-). First, i left nd chilled wit edgar for an hour nd den left to the mall with Franchy nd Melissa. Of course, melissa got me LOST TO WILLOWBROOK MALL!!!! NEWHO.. We went to look for a dress for melissa. Den at around 5 i went to speak for mah Teacher at Montclair.... thats was pretty nice. Left there, nd got COMPLETELY lost on MOntclair. lol. Finally, picked up melissa. Went to blockbuster, and then on the way bak met Melissa aunt, luis, joshua, and so on at alexis's house. We talked to JOhnny for a lil bit... nd den headed off. Jen G. and Vanessa called melissa asking if we wanted to go bowling. SO YEAH! WE DID. it was me, melissa, yassandra, lizzy, Jen. G, Franchy and Vanessa. There, we saw Eddie nd some of his friends. They played in the lane next to us. haha! it was kewl. Afterwards, we stopped at a pool hall for like 5-10 min... saw Lenin, JOhn Ramirez nd mike dere. Then--TO APPLEBEES WE WENT! hehe. Most of us got desert, and had a good time dere. On a balloon, everyone gave there numbers to the waiter :-) ....... Lolz. Now im beat!!!! gonna go lay down .... WRITE SOME MORE MANANA! BUHBYE MWUAHZZZ ( MELISSA SEYS BYE TOO!)

XOXOJasmine

Tue, 26 Apr 2005 15:45:47 GMT

SoOooooooooooooo Yesterdaii i was suppose to wash mah car, but that never happened since i heard it was gonna rain. So instead, i pick up Edgar, and we went to passaic. He got blades for his hair, while i ended up paying $45 for a new cell phone cover. Now, its red, it looks bran new, and i got a clip with a clear case over it :-)!!!! yeSss!!!! Got some Mcd's afterwards, and i chilled at his house for a lil while. Den ... i left to look for mah dress!! ....................

I FOUND IT.. mah mom decided to hook me up with the Latin theme.. so imma look sexy as helll!!! Yeah!! nd im not gonna sey wha color it is but i will sey it was a color that i said i never would wear :-). haha.. so yea cant wait for that. Also, i found out an "old friend" of mine is coming to prom so thats gonna be a shocking surprise!! im so excited!!! CANT WAIT!

Todaii, imma go to werk, then clean up mah dirty room, nd have some friends sleepover! HOLLA!! hehe. ill wb some more later! pEace!

J a s m i n e <3

Just closed the d o o r.

Mon, 25 Apr 2005 16:14:51 GMT

After all this, i left mah door open for you, thinkin u mite actually come around nd ake me serious. I thought i had meant that much too you, and i guess u just dont know what you want. Im not up for waiten for somebody who doesnt know what they want bcz i deserve someone who knows WHAT THEY WANT. however, even tho i left that door wide open u made it seem like as though there was no reason for me to keep it open, so..... now i closed it. The opportunity presented itself rie there.. all YOU had to do was take me serious.. take US serious. There was nuttin left else to do now but close it, nd close it for good. Like they say, " when one door closes, another one opens.........". from this day, now mah door opens for everyone. :-] pEace Out! mwuahzz

Jasmine

Sun, 24 Apr 2005 16:38:51 GMT

Soo yesterday i went and did a lil shOppin for myself :-). Bought me a shirt from against all odds, and 2 other solid color shirts.. hehe. then i watched THE FOCKERS -- that was a funny movie. Thank God we have off this week. Ill finally be able to rest and chill with mah grlz too. Planning to go wach mah car, look for my dress for prom... yada yada yada ;-]. Today i met the women i might be getting mah second job from-- she seems nice but i kinda feel bad cuz nobody made her 4 doz cheese buns :-\. Gotta call mah dad 2nite-- havent talked to him in a w h i l e-- let him know whats been going on with me and my life. well im bEat! ill write some more lata when i finish mah daii. BuhBye!

EDIT
----

well, i just got bak from mah cuzin's house. he has a really nice apartment and im really happy for him and his fiance. I hope one day that i get the chance to live the way they live there lives together. ... anywhO ... basically took a really nice nap :-) havent done that in a while, nd 2mar ill prolli get the house to mahself for a while since mah momma dukes needs to go oud nd do some errands. yuPpers. well there isnt much else to sey. goOdnite mWuahzzzz

xoxo Jasmine

Sat, 23 Apr 2005 03:38:57 GMT

It was COMPLETELY POINTLESS for me to try to go to you today. Your attitude will never change and therefore you will never change as well. I guess now you dont have to "feel bad for me" cuz i wont be there to feel bad for. I even gave an opportunity for you to come and see me, but you never took it, so i guess if u dont care--i wont either anymore. Im not puttin my life on hold bcz i seem to be only doing it for someone who doesnt even seem to care about the way i feel. No matter what im not turning my back on you, but there is no way anymore i can talk to you right now as a person. You cant be honest with the way yoo feel, and instead make it seem like u dont care, then i guess i wont have to care about the way u feel anymore bcz all ive ever done is care about ur feelings over mine. im just gonna let this go now, bcz i got my friends who have been there for me through this, a car, a job, and soon an actual life to live.

Well, as for the rest of mah day i went to werk from 1-7, and then decided to chill with edgar :-). I was suppose to go to Jeanette's house afterwards, but since i was too tired i didnt. Ended up falling asleep over there until 11:15 and then bounced. Theres a chance i mite be getting another job with a landscaping business. They need someone to work in their office so ill be werking there and at the bakery for the summer probably. Its good cuz this was ill be able to fix my car up ;-). I had thought about going to Colorado agen for the summer, but im still debating on it. 2mar ill prolli chill with some of my girls or edgar agen one of the two-- i guess we'll have to see! well im out gOodnite.

xoxo Jasmine

Fri, 22 Apr 2005 02:18:05 GMT

so ive thought about what im gonna write in this entry since it will be the actual first entry of thid journal now.

For the last several months i have been more heart broken, and unfortunately Carm caught up to me. the love of my life eventually moved away from me --devastating my heart nd my dreams i had for the future. I tryed so hard to keep us from falling but it was just impossible. For what ever reason, i guess im not meant to be there with you. One day ill know that answer. Even tho i was disrespected, yelled at, minipulated, heart broke, stressed and confused--i was till able to go back nd look at you in the face, saying i love u the same way. However, u tell me ur love for me isnt the same nemore yet i did nothing. I realize now that in the end --this is not gonna be my lost but instead a valuebale lesson. The things u dont like being done to you u shouldnt do to other people. Maybe thats something to think about. despite all this, i can still have hope for the future although u may not. i can still see us being there the way i always have--but only when u realize ur own faults. AS for the moment, im not gonna turn my bak on u the way u did to me although it is something i should take into consideration considering ive been through hell nd back. But thats not me, bcz i changed. I will never look at ur xanga, or profile or even want to know about what is going on with ur life bcz i know it will only bother me. But i do know that eventually i will be able to know those things in the future. I guess i wasnt good enough for you bcz u made it seem like i just bwasnt worth it nemore. I was willing to give u the world even though u stopped giving it to me. The only thing left to do now is to give up. I need to worry about myself, my friends, and my mother. Out of all this--the most hurtful thing i have heard from you is say that you lost love for me. I will never forget it. i guess this is where it beings--my life.